My Parenting Style May Offend You…
At the end of my workout class this morning I saw a beautiful light in the sky. The first voice told me that I should get home and check that my son was up for school, but I didn’t listen.
My second voice said: “He’s 14. He’s responsible. He’s only overslept once that I can recall. He is capable, and I know this. You’re goal is to raise independent humans who can manage themselves.”
So this morning I ditched my son and became a chaser of the sunrise. I texted my son: "Hey Boo, I won't be home before you go to school. Have a great day. I love you!" and he texted back "Love you too!"
Nature gives us a glorious show every morning and every night. It is often awe inspiring. But we run around and miss it because “I’m too busy, or I should be doing this or that.”
I often catch myself and ask "What the heck can be more important than LIVING? Than experiencing the beauty of this LIFE that we have been given?" I can’t think of anything. Jobs come and go. People come and go. Yes, even children come and go. We are born alone and we die alone. We must learn to feed our souls and to take in the beauty of nature and life every damn day...because each day could be our last.
Life is a gift. The fact that I am alive and breathing right now is a gift. And I’m not going to waste that gift by running around chasing things that society says I should value. At the end of my life, if my son overslept and got a tardy on his school record today, does that matter? Who cares if he has perfect attendance? The school principal? Our state’s department of education? His teachers? If it matters to him, he’ll get up. He makes his own way. And I make mine.
The more I have let go of trying to control my kids, the happier we have all become. Read that again if you are a parent that sticks your nose into every decision your child makes. Letting them make mistakes and figure out how to fix their mistakes is a gift you give to your children. It’s a gift that allows them to take ownership of their choices and their life. A gift that allows them to grow into adults who can effectively make decisions, rather than stay stuck in bad situations while they wait for someone else to tell them what to do. The cycle is fascinating. Sometimes I speak with clients who struggle to make decisions for their lives (both big and small ones). Oftentimes, once we work through it, it boils down to the fact that they had parents who controlled their lives aggressively and made all the decisions for them. Their parents also often required them to be a certain way or to follow a certain path. These adults were raised to be people pleasers, and now even though they are full grown, they don’t know how to make decisions for themselves. Decision making is a skill. It’s a skill that can be developed (at any age). It’s a skill that as parents we can cultivate in our children.
I have become the opposite of a helicopter parent. I guess I’ve become a free range parent. I allow my kids to make most of their own choices. I encourage them to be smart about their choices and I assume they are making good ones until I hear otherwise. I’ve only heard of one or two not so great choices. They have survived them and learned from them, after I spoke to them about their choices…after we laughed about how life is crazy, and we never know what will come up. I tell them that we each have to do our best every day, and that is all that’s required.
I tell my kids that I don’t care if you get all A’s. I care that you show up to life with a good attitude and that you do your best. I care that you are kind to others. I care that you care for yourself and your body in a healthy way. I care that you get outside for fresh air, that you look up and around, and notice the sunset and the trees, that you say a kind word to someone who is feeling down. I care that you discover what you love and you either build your life around that, or at least make time for it in your life. I care that you regularly check in with yourself and pay attention to how you are feeling, so that if something isn’t working for you, you can identify that it’s time to make a change. These are the metrics that are important to me. Not how many awards or trophies you have, what the letters are on your report card, or how many friends you have.
I know this parenting style may seem strange in a society that is built around achievement, but it's where I've landed and it works for me. My children are independent and strong willed, and while sometimes this has me wanting to pull my hair out, I am glad that they are confident. I am glad that they feel comfortable enough to speak their mind to me, to call me out when I am being inconsistent or when I make up rules out of thin air (they have caught me doing that more than once), and to challenge where I’m coming from. There have been times where we talk through things and I admit I have no idea why I have that rule, it’s just because my parents did. And then sometimes I have to agree with them that it actually isn’t very helpful at all. I am willing and eager to grow as a person and as a parent, and my children are as big a part of the process as anything else. I am open to the fact that I don’t know everything and that I am not always right. It’s humbling, but it makes for much less stress around my household and it works for us. Kids are smart. They have great ideas, I think sometimes as parents we are so busy parenting that we forget to listen.
By the way, if my son saw a beautiful light in the sky one morning and chose to go watch the sunrise instead of getting to school on time, I would support that. Because more important than what they teach us in school is what they don’t teach us: Learn to truly live, to enjoy life and to feed your soul. Make every day the BEST DAY EVER. Take care of YOU, so you can be truly happy, and you can bring more joy to those around you. School of Nancy, free range parent (and free range adult apparently) right here!
What are you waiting for? Go chase the sunrise or the sunset. Make today the best day ever. Everything else can wait.
Go and do, with grace.
xo
Nancy