“I even love you when you yell at me at 60 MPH.”
A handwritten note from my son in the shape of a heart hangs near my bedside. He gave it to me many years ago, I’m guessing when he was around 7 or 8.
“Dear Mom, I love you so much, and I even love you when you yell at me at 60 MPH. From Linc.”
I used to think it was cute, adorable really. I was thrilled that my son loved me, even though I yelled sometimes. It made me feel really good, having that love.
This note shows the resilience of children, and how as innocent little humans they love and trust without questioning. You see, young children don’t realize if your parenting is damaging them or encouraging them. They accept what is and they don’t question it. They think that this is how it’s supposed to be. That this is the regular experience and that everyone must live like this... until they get to a certain age that is.
“I even love you when you yell at me at 60 MPH.” This morning I looked at that heart, and I read the words. For a moment, grief and sadness rose up in me at this pure honesty from a child in the form of a nice note to his Mom.
I used to be a yeller. I was controlling. I listened to the voices in my head that told me I would not be accepted by others unless my kids were perfect. I listened to the judge in my head. I listened to the voice that said if my kids didn’t present as perfect, then I was a failure as a parent and as a human.
Those voices in my head presented themselves in the form of me criticizing my kids. I took my own insecurities and need to be accepted out on my kids. I required them to be perfect and to fit in the box of what all the other parents required, and I did a lot of the same things my parents did, in the name of “raising my kids right.”
I want you to know what I’ve learned: raising kids to be perfect does not raise happy humans. It raises people pleasers who struggle to be healthy adults. I’ve seen the results time and again, in the words of my clients. “My parents were perfectionists.” “I had to follow the track my parents wanted for me, even though I wanted something different.” “I had to hide my true identity from my parents, they would never accept it.” “I’m not great at communicating and expressing my emotions. I was raised in a family where I wasn’t allowed to express myself.” “I always had to listen to my parents, I could never question anything.”
These cycles and generational requirements run rampant. “In my family, you were either a doctor, a lawyer, or a failure.” Those are the words of Jay Shetty.
A large part of my work is helping adults learn how to make healthy decisions for themselves and learn to trust themselves. We all have the answers within. We know what is right for us, but oftentimes we don’t trust it. Because many of us were raised to listen to others rather than to listen to ourselves.
And because we listen to others, we look to others for how things should be done. Then we try to control our environment and our family to recreate that, and we require those around us to fulfill our vision of perfection. But even as we do this, we feel out of control, because we don’t trust ourselves, and deep down we often don’t align with the values that society or others push on us.
We don’t understand that happiness is a fleeting emotion, which can’t be controlled or forced. The voice tells us that when everything is perfect, then we will be happy and we will feel fulfilled. Then we will have finally arrived. But we often lose ourselves in the pursuit. What are we chasing? Why are we using our energy to try and change others? Can we allow others to just be themselves? Can we allow them to fail? To learn? To grow? Or do we require them to follow our way, and encourage them to follow blindly after the grades, the awards, the perfect prom date or senior photo, the college scholarship track…in pursuit of “the secure job,” the 401K, the house and the 2.5 kids and the dog? Where does it end? When do they “arrive?” When do they get to be who they want to be?
Whatever happened to “You can be anything you want when you grow up?” and “Do what you love.”
It seems like that advice goes out the window after elementary school. What are we doing?
What was I doing?
“I even love you when you yell at me at 60 MPH.”
Although I felt a tinge of sadness when I saw this, soon after came a feeling of triumph and pride. I have emerged from the box, and came out of that cycle. I’m honoring every individual as their own human. I’m breaking generational cycles. I’m allowing what is instead of requiring what I want. I now allow my kids to blossom as who they are rather than requiring them to be what the voice in my head says they should be.
We are much happier, and I no longer yell at 60 MPH. Now I hug, smile, laugh, and throw my hands up as if to say “Ok try it out, let me know if your way works!” My kids also know that I’ll be there with encouragement and a hug when it doesn’t go their way. Maybe I’ll even make them French toast too.
I accept myself and I no longer listen to the judge in my head. I’ve learned to align with my values, to trust myself and to not care about being judged by others. I now trust the process, and carry a spiritual belief that there are much bigger things going on in the universe than my day to day annoyances or challenges. It has taken time to get here, but WOW is it a great place to be! And you know what doing this self-work has done? It’s made my relationship with my kids 100 times better.
Taking care of you, addressing your triggers, taking a step back and asking yourself “Why am I doing this?” and learning how you are wired, is a gift not only to yourself, but also to everyone else around you.
Today, I’m going to give hugs at 60 MPH.
