The Spring of Grieving
Spring was my favorite time of the year, until recently. I’m a nature girl, and flowers sprouting up in the gardens and birds singing in the morning delight me. I have even heard some owls in the evenings the last few nights. I'm grateful for spring and the new beginnings that it brings.
Spring is also a time that brings up a whole slew of difficult feelings for me. This year will mark 10 years since my Mom passed away. The spring of 2013 was marred by incredible pain, as my sisters and I watched our Mom's health decline rapidly due to ovarian cancer. I thought at the time that Spring would never be the same, and I was correct.
But just because memories and feelings pop up (like earlier this week as I noticed the Forsythia starting to bloom) doesn't mean that I don't still enjoy it. Grief is funny...you never know when it will show up. You can be in the supermarket doing your grocery shopping, feeling perfectly fine, and then spot that jam on the shelf…the one that your Mom always had in her fridge, and then the tears crowd your eyes and you’re overwhelmed with a feeling of missing them. Yes, even 10 years later.
This year I'm also grieving the loss of a dear friend. "Chich" was the closest thing I had to a brother, and I loved him dearly. His unexpected departure in February left me (and many others, including his beautiful wife) reeling. He was someone who made an impact on a LOT of people. This is a deep personal loss for me, as he was someone I admired and looked up to, and took great joy in supporting, sharing ideas with and learning from.
As I was thinking about Spring and how much I love it despite the painful memories that sometimes come up, I realized that over the past ten years I’ve actually become pretty good at grieving. I understand it now - I understand the process, how it shows up, and how to manage the feelings. I also fully appreciate and understand the impermanence of life.
Here are three things I’ve learned about grief over the last ten years:
1) When someone passes, your relationship with them doesn't end, it just changes. They’re still in your life, and you can still talk to them. You can still include them in your life, you just have to figure out a different way to do that. I still go to the beach to visit with my Mom. I’m hoping to wear Chich’s dog tags when I run my next race (he was also a runner, and we ran the Falmouth Road Race together in 2019 in honor of another friend that left this earth too early). How can you include your loved in your life in a special way?
2) Grief shows up unexpectedly, often in very inconvenient times and places, and that’s ok. You never know when those tears or that feeling will come. You may be in the supermarket, on a bike ride, or in the middle of a staff meeting. What I know is that grieving is necessary and a completely normal part of the human experience. We are sad because they mattered. Because we loved. Because they made a difference in our lives. Welling up with tears is a testament to the difference they made to us. There is no shame in crying. Bottling it up is not healthy, nor is it helpful. I’ve learned to just let it flow, and I excuse myself for a few minutes if necessary. If I am having an emotional reaction, I allow myself to be human, and I let it out so that I’m not struggling to hold it in all day. Giving ourselves what we need in the moment, and holding ourselves gently, is self-care as its finest. We deserve this.
3) Here’s the hard truth about grief: Things will never be the same. We often wait for “things to get back to normal.” Sometimes we ask ourselves: “When will I get over it?” The truth is that things will never be normal again, and you will never “get over it.” Rather, we have the opportunity to create a new normal, and we have the opportunity to learn to live a different way, without our loved one in our life. I know, it’s not fun. But you know darn well that our loved one would want us to continue to live a happy life. The first year after losing someone is incredibly difficult, as we experience the first holidays, birthdays, and events without them. It does get easier, but there will always be a void. That’s okay. So I remember my loved ones fondly and fill the void with them: the sayings, the laughs, their voice, the fun. And I share the stories of them so that their legacy and their gifts to the world will continue on. Over time, the pain of losing them transforms to gratitude for knowing them, for the experiences you had with them, and for what you learned from them.
If you are grieving someone this spring, know that you are not alone, and that I’m here sending you a virtual hug. Know that their presence in your life was a gift, even if they weren’t around for as long as you had hoped. Hold on to that precious gift. Honor them in creative ways. Continue to include them in your life. They are still with you, it just looks a little different. If you are struggling with grief, know that a therapist can often help, and getting help is perfectly ok. No one has to do life alone. Reach out to a friend, do things you love, and continue living. Life does go on, and it’s ok for you to continue on too. You have the power to create your experience of life, and to create your own new beginnings, every day.
Here's to Spring, and to new beginnings. It’s now time to look up at the beautiful sky, listen to the birds, notice the beautiful flowers, and smile, knowing that my loved ones are with me in my heart, and that’s the safest place for them to be, with me forever.
With Love and Kindness,
Nancy
