I’m Sick Of My Bullsh*t…

I am sick of my bullshit, and also, it turns out that I’m sad about that fact.

For the last couple of days, there has been an underlying feeling of sadness within me. It feels heavy. That’s the best way I can describe it.

Things are good right now- I’m traveling with my daughter, I’ve met some amazing new people, I’m living in a beautiful resort area for five weeks. I’m working on my future…

Oh, there it is. Stop right there. You see, a few days ago I made a decision about my future. I took a big leap. I hired a coach and joined a program. This coach and this program will help me to launch my coaching business and create the career I have been working towards, and more importantly, he will help me to step fully into living my purpose. This is exciting. And terrifying. And apparently, also sad.

Last night at 2 AM (the time each night when I wake up and have a deep discussion with myself about what a failure I am), it came to me. It was a bit fuzzy, as most things are at 2 in the morning.  This morning during my meditation, it came to me fully and clearly. I know what the heavy is. It’s grieving. I’m grieving the old me, and my old life.

You see, this coach I hired, he’s not inexpensive, but he is worth every penny. He helps people to transform their lives. Which is what I want. And that’s why on day 1 after signing on I was excited. But that’s also why on day 2 I began grieving. With an investment like this, I can’t make excuses anymore. I am committed to becoming a new version of ME. There is no more saying “I’m too busy, too tired, it just wasn’t the right fit, oh I’ll just half ass it, I don’t really need to do that work today…” or any of my other bullshit excuses that have kept me spinning my wheels for the last several months (okay let’s be honest, it’s been years).

It’s time to turn the page. It’s time to step into the new me. That’s why I hired a coach. That’s why I hired *this* coach. Because I can’t do it on my own, and I am fully aware of that. Despite the fact that I question myself all the time, I actually do know what I’m talking about (sometimes). I know how I work and how I’m wired. I’ve spent the last couple of years studying and observing ME. (I’m actually quite fascinating, and I’m willing to bet that if you studied yourself, you’d learn that you are too).

I’ve lived with ME for 52 years. I’ve lived with traumatized ME, hopeful ME, married ME, divorced ME, Mom ME, depressed ME, this is the best day ever ME, suicidal ME, in love ME, drunk ME, I just ran a half marathon oh my god I am amazing ME, wow I really screwed that one up ME, being on my own ME, grieving ME, happy ME, and what the f*ck am I doing ME.

It turns out that I am quite complex. I am learning how all of these MEs work.

Now, when I make a decision or start a new path, I say “Come on Y’all, we’re going this way…” I take them all with me, because they are all a part of me. And I let all of them show up and say their peace, and protest and tell me all their individual reasons why this is a bad idea, or this is a good idea. Then, my inner super hero, “Future Me” steps up onto to the podium and addresses the crowd, saying “Thank you for your concern, you can be quiet now, we are doing THIS. THIS is our future. Let’s go Y’all.”

Future Me is getting stronger and stronger, and is showing up, and is learning how to talk to these other MEs so they don’t get in the way anymore.

I know that transformation brings change. Things are going to be different. And different makes us humans feel all sorts of uncomfortable. I am human, so this affects me too. Here’s the skinny: even though I don’t like certain things about my life right now, I KNOW them. I know how it’s going to go. Right now, it’s the same thing every damn day. It’s Groundhog Day. Sure, I make a little progress here and there, there are ups and then there are downs, but overall I stay on the same level. Or I level up so slowly that it would take eons to get to the real life Galaga Challenge Round (yeah, I played a lot of video games growing up, save the jokes please.)

Right now my life is predictable, and that’s comfortable. Even if I don’t like it. Even if I know I am capable of so much more. Our human brains like predictable SO MUCH MORE than anything else, because predictable helps us to survive.

So, I have to decide - do I want to survive this life? Or do I want to thrive? Do I want to LIVE, REALLY LIVE, a life of amazement, awe, beauty, love, kindness, helping others, experiencing life? Or do I want a life that is predictable? We each get to decide this for ourselves, and then we can act accordingly.

Being a coach, I teach this stuff. But that doesn’t mean that I’m immune to it. I still feel all the things – the scared, the sad, the being pulled back. I feel the dread of moving forward, I feel unsure. What if this new life sucks? What if I don’t like it? What if I’m lonely? What if I fail? What if I become famous and then I am hounded by paparazzi whenever I leave my house? (Okay, I know that one’s really a stretch here. It still showed up in my thoughts though.)

What if, what if, what if???….

Stop.

I know that if I listen to these immobilizing thoughts, I will wake up and it will be a month from now, a year from now, two years from now, and I’ll still be in the same place, with my bullsh*t excuses, looking for more help and more ways to figure out why I can’t get out of my own way.

I have to stop my cycle of bullsh*t. It’s time. Future Me knows this, and sees this, and so Three Days Ago Me made a decision to invest in my future, and now Present Me is scared and sad and grieving the Old Me that will be left behind like a childhood friend.

It’s ok. This feeling will pass. That is the benefit of knowing, and of having self awareness. We have negative feelings, and then as long as we don’t water them and focus on them and encourage them to become a big brick wall that we could never scale, they move away, and we are free again to go about our life and focus on creating whatever it is we desire. It’s a deep breath, a pause, and a releasing of the negative feelings.

It’s time for me to say “no thank you” to getting back on the hamster wheel of self sabotage. It’s time for me to show up and do the work. My coach can’t do it for me. I am the only one who is responsible for my future and for my success. Me.

So I’m looking ahead.

I see my friend Future Me out there, and I see her extending her hand. She is looking at me lovingly and saying “Come Nancy, take my hand. You are not alone. We are in this together. We can do this.” And so I go, and with a deep breath I release the fear and the sadness and the grief. I can’t wait to look back a year from now and say “Wow, Y’all, look how far we’ve come!”

Deep breath…

Go and do, with grace.

xo
Nancy