I Was Wrong About Love

Oct 6

For most of my life I did love wrong. I loved with conditions. I was in it for me – for my ego to feel good, for my trauma to feel soothed, for the things I hadn’t healed to feel safe.

Loving unconditionally means loving someone without expectations, without expecting love, time, or attention in return. Unconditional love is loving because you are full of love, and you are freely giving out love to another, to the world, to the universe. At our very core, we are love. However, our upbringing and societal conditioning both influence what “love” looks like to us, and what our expectations of love are.

Unconditional love means that I see the hurt inner child in you, and I want to give them the love they are seeking. Unconditional love means that I love you for you – all of you – even when you make choices that are unhealthy or exhibit behaviors that are questionable. I understand that these choices and behaviors come from your unhealed trauma, or your limiting beliefs. I understand that your beautiful soul is exactly that – a beautiful soul who exists underneath layers of conditioning and challenging life experiences which have colored your human behavior.

Conditional love can be trauma from our inner child seeking safety, or seeking healing. Conditional love can be the ego seeking status, or power over another.

Unconditional love, on the other hand, comes from deep within our soul, and offers complete acceptance and support.

Conditional love says “What’s in it for me?”
Unconditional love says “How can I help you?”

Conditional love says “Why did you do that to me?”
Unconditional love says “You acted out in a hurtful way, what is hurting you?”

Conditional love says “Your choice will affect me also, you have to listen to me.”
Unconditional love says “You must do what is right for you.”

Conditional love says “How dare you leave me after all I’ve done for you.”
Unconditional love says “I want you to be happy and to thrive, even if that means we need to part ways.”

Conditional love says “You’re being a b*tch, call me when you’re in a better mood.”
Unconditional love says “I know this is hard. I’m here for you while you’re in it.”

Conditional love says “I’ll love you as long as you love me”
Unconditional love says “I love you for who you are, not for what you do for me.”

Conditional love says: “I’m exhausted and really want to stay home tonight, but the girls will be mad if I don’t go to book club.”
Unconditional love says: “It’s ok to stay home tonight, this is what I need right now.”

Conditional love says “How could you do that?”
Unconditional love says “I understand that you know what is right for you, and I support your choice.”

Unconditional love for ourselves also asks that we are honest with ourselves, and that we remove ourselves from situations, environments and people which are unhealthy for us.

It’s taken over 50 years for me to learn what unconditional love is. Allowing people to be who they are, instead of requiring them to be who I want, is a profound step towards growth, healing and fulfillment. Accepting myself as I am, instead of agonizing over who I am not, is a feeling like no other. Understanding what I need to be healthy, to feel happy and joyful, and what support I need to thrive, and then actually giving that to myself, is loving myself like I never have before.

Yesterday I made unconditional love permanent, with unconditionally loving friends, and a great tattoo artist named Brea.

I love you unconditionally.