Pain Is Part Of Life, Can We Please Acknowledge That?
Three years ago today I lost a dear friend to a premeditated and devastating act of violence. It was the catalyst that caused me 8 months later to have a complete mental breakdown. During that breakdown I expelled grief and pain that I had held inside my heart and soul for over 30 years. I was raised in a family where we pretended everything was ok. We didn’t talk about difficult things. We ignored them and swept them under the rug. I love my family dearly but I also realize that this part of my upbringing contributed to my inability as an adult to deal properly with life’s challenges.
Processing through pain, trauma and the challenges of life is hard work. Many avoid it. Many ignore it. Many try to shove it down inside. Please please please don’t do that. In order to be healthy humans we must learn to acknowledge pain, to feel pain and to let it flow through so we can function without hurting others.
Hurt people hurt people. Read that again.
When my friend was killed I was shocked, angry and devastated. But as I learned more about the events that had unfolded on March 9, 2018 in Yountville, CA, my shock turned to concern. Life is hard. And one person was hurting so badly that he felt he had no other choice than to kill three beautiful people who were trying to help this world, before turning the gun on himself.
I do not say this for shock value. I say this because people are hurting everywhere, in all corners of the world, in all demographics and all segments of society. And I feel that in our society some people are becoming increasingly angry, and less tolerant of others. Those who are hurting often feel left out and retreat within rather than reach out for help.
Mental health, trauma and PTSD are very real issues. I am not an expert in any of these issues but there are many trained professionals out there who are and who can help. My friend had dedicated her life to helping veterans with PTSD, and her life came to an early and violent end from someone who was hurting and on a mission. This to me solidifies the fact that there is a very strong need to address these issues head on.
So often we sit alone in our suffering. If you know someone who is hurting, someone who is going through a difficult time...please reach out. Say a kind word, give a smile, ask if they need help. You never know what kind of a difference it might make.
I don’t know if there is anything that could have been done to prevent this tragedy. In the past three years I’ve been involved in many conversations about gun control, tighter security in public and private buildings, and Veterans’ services.
From my point of view, we can put all the gun laws and security doors in place that we want, but someone who is fighting demons they can’t control and who is determined to hurt others is going to find a way to do that.
I feel that at the root of the issue is the mental health piece. I feel that normalizing talking about mental health and life’s pain is a small step in the right direction. Compassion and love for those who are in pain, even if they are behaving badly and making poor choices, goes a long way. We are all humans just doing the best we can with the tools we have. Please don’t judge others just because they don’t have the same tools as you.
And if you yourself are hurting, please reach out for help. There is a whole world of people here willing to help you.
I miss you Loeber and I will continue to honor our friendship and your memory by helping and lifting others, as you did so well.
Go and do, with grace.
xo
Nancy
For more information, please visit https://www.christinemloeberfoundation.org/